It wasn’t fun while it lasted

My last post was more of a rant than my usual story which takes the fun out of reading it. I reread it and was like wow I’m boring. Who cares about my anger toward high-school problems? Write something entertaining! FINE! To my imaginary audience I will write something entertaining or at least attempt to.

If you read my first or second post you would have probably known that as a freshmen I liked some kid in my class…I really liked him. But that is a thing of the pass. It didn’t work out in the slightest. I would make an attempt to talk to him and it just wouldn’t work out at all. We aren’t close; we don’t even say hi to each other in the hallway. I MEAN WE HAVE ALMOST ALL THE SAME CLASSES TOGETHER! Don’t believe me. We have math, english, music, history, science, and even public speaking together. You would think we’d be closer. It’s not like we don’t know each other…but we don’t know each other. Every now and then we would wind up talking to the same person but not really talking to each other.

Looking back on my time liking him I realized it hurt a lot more than it should have. You see while I was ideally watching him in admiration waiting for him to notice me (notice me senpai-sorry I had to) he was watching another girl, admiring her too. To put it in plain English he was staring at her boobs every chance he got. I mean she didn’t hide them and I wouldn’t either if I was ever so blessed. I wasn’t mad that he liked another girl or lusted over her because she is pretty and smart and funny and popular and rich…I had no chance. Plus she was friends with him. Jokes on him though because he was friend-zoned hard. So not only did I have the pain of knowing I had no chance with him but he would never even consider me because he was drooling over another girl. “That doesn’t matter he could still notice you.” No, he liked this girl for two years… I would never be what he wants because I am completely different from the girl he wants. All I could do was watch from a distant. And I had to watch his pain too. That hurt just as much as my own pain. I was right there and I would have been just as good a girlfriend as she but he didn’t see. I’m a hopeless romantic but I won’t chase hopeless romance.

It seemed to take forever but I finally got over him only took like 1..3…11 months. Was my pain over? My suffering? My agony? HELL NO! After you stop liking someone you have to be on guard. If they do something cute you have to pinch your arm and tell yourself NOT TODAY SATAN! It’s not worth it, BUT DAMN DO THEY MAKE IT HARD. The other day the class had to go to the staircase for a demonstration it was for a physics lesson but we had chemistry…it’s a long story, I stood against the staircase railing and then I got a chill on my lower back. THIS KID WAS RIGHT BEHIND ME WITH HIS ARMS CROSSED BRUSHING AGAINST MY BACK! Look, it wasn’t intentional he always stands like that and he just had to be close to see I get it but boy was I in shock. When we separated I could still feel his hand on my back…FOR THE NEXT HALF AN HOUR! WHY! LEAVE ME ALONE! I’m too fragile to take physical contact while I’m recovering but no that doesn’t matter. Honestly I know this is in my head but it still messes with me.

The one thing I can rely on to keep me from my ex-crush are my friends. The didn’t approve of my crush because he’s “ugly”,”weird”, “stupid”, and “underneath me.” If I ever think I might be catching the feels again I can just talk about it and one of friends will make a verbal list of all his flaws. It always makes me snap out of my funk. It might not be a healthy method to turn off my feelings but it’s working soo…

It also helps that he’s kind of a creep. You probably guessed that because he was staring at some girls boobs but in his defense he’s a teenager and they are huge. Sometimes I see him staring at random girls for a long period of time and it creeps me out. I even catch him staring at me sometimes but when I look his way he turns.  Just because I’ve caught him looking at me doesn’t mean he has feelings for me. Last year there was this time that we made eye contact and I smile at him. He continued to stare which made me nervous but I later found out that I just had spinach in my teeth…seriously…my life is so cliche. Moral of the story; I don’t make a big deal about him looking at me because I probably just have something on my face or I look weird. The usual.

There are times when he confused me though. Recently I went to a sweet sixteen wow I’m so cool… not really though, I was wearing the shortest and tightest dress I have ever worn. I only bought the dress because my older sister wanted it since it was extremely tight on her and made her butt look HUGH. My mom didn’t want to buy her the dress because we were shopping for my dress meaning she shouldn’t have even been looking for a dress and the dress was an XXS a.k.a an extra extra small. My sister is a small/medium. I’m more of an extra small/small. Either way the dress was too small, but my sister really wanted to wear it to a party she was going to go to a few weeks later and I was tired of shopping so I gave in.

Anyway, I felt exposed plus I was wearing heels. I’m not a big fan of heels but they look good and are socially part of formal attire thanks society! So I was in my little black dress and high heels. I didn’t looked too bad but I’m not one to draw attention to my body so I avoided males for the first half of the party. Even with all my efforts I still had to walk pass males and of course one of them had to be him. As we passed each other he gave me a look-no a glare. It was the perviest glare ever. His mouth smirk on one side and his eyes squinted while looking down at my short self yes he was still taller than me while I was wearing heels. Chills sprung all over my body, but not the I’m attracted to you chills I got perv ALERT! hide your children and dress like a nun vibe.

Although it was weird and creepy it made me curious. For the rest of the night I tried to get his attention to see if it was a misunderstanding or if he actually thought I looked pretty. Whenever there was someone I knew sitting near him I came over and started talking to them making sure to look his way every now and then. Sometimes I actually saw him looking at me. I was shocked! He actually noticed me. I won’t lie I tried to be cute the rest of the night but I still had fun.

I’m was happy at first but then I started asking myself questions. Why? Why after I stopped liking him would he notice me? Was it because of what I was wearing? And it was. He wouldn’t and never did given me the time of day before. He only looked twice my way when I was showing extra skin. How shallow can someone get? I thought he was better than that. I don’t want someone to like me or lust over me because of what’s on the outside. I want to be with someone that likes me as an individual. Someone who likes my flaws, that wouldn’t care that I had spinach in my teeth. I deserve someone who can like me for the way I am normally not just on special occasions and I think everyone deserves that. I’m happy I don’t like him anymore and whenever I see him being cute I just remember who he really his.

I’m never going back to that dark hole I was in when I liked him because it wasn’t fun. I don’t ever want to be that miserable again. If he ever actually does wants to be with me then he’s going to have to work hard to impress me because right now I can’t have respect for someone that only likes people for their outer appearance.


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