Can words even define it?

I am a very dramatic person. A very dramatic person. If someone says “Oh sup.” I will go into an endless spiral of ridiculous thoughts why did they say sup? Are they sad? Did I do something wrong? Although my decent amount of reason makes me dismiss these ideas, being dramatic is just part of my character. Most of the time when I overthink things, feelings are the main subject. I feel like it is my obligation as a “rational” human being to attempt to understand my emotions. But is it really that easy to assess feelings?

Recently, I have been debating whether or not I like a certain someone. Not this again. It didn’t work out the last time take a hint right! There are a couple of possibilities around my “feelings” but to really understand them you have to get the full story. Particularly, the background around the subject of my affection…or not.

So this kid is currently a senior. Yes I called a senior a kid. He is unbelievably talented. I mean he is a honors student with straight A+’s, he plays the piano beautifully I mean like on Beethoven level seriously, he’s also an amazing actor and one of the kindest people I know. He may not be the most athletic I mean he plays golf at least or generically handsome but he has these little cute tendencies that I really like. For instance, the way he dances is adorable, or the way he smiles at you before he laughs…that got too mushy really quickly.

Last year I initially met him one day when I was butchering a piano piece. He came over and complimented me on my sight reading anyway. Then he took over and played the whole piece that I was trying to play just from memory. It was beautiful. After we talked a little after that occasionally about piano pieces and other things that we had in common, like our love for math. Neerds…  But we never got too close. In fact it took about three encounters before he figured out my name and he only did because it was written on my music sheet.

He always feels out of reach like I’m not on his level and I don’t think I am. I mean he hangs out with a different bunch. They are all cool but they are just really close because they are in the same grade and have been with each other for a long time. Of course last year I was preoccupied liking some other kid which is actually rare I usually don’t like people one after the other.  I didn’t give him too much attention plus he was a junior at the time and I was just a timid freshman. This year. however, was different. I noticed him more, but it doesn’t feel the same.

Last time I liked someone I could feel it. Whenever the kid was near me I became extremely nervous. If by accident we touched at all I could literally feel the warmth from him on me for a good half an hour after. Every time someone mentioned his name I would fluster and be interested in the conversation. Just the thought of that person made me react and when my friends talked about it an unstoppable grin spread across my face.

But I don’t feel all of those toward the senior. Sometimes I’m not even sure if I can even feel anything toward him. At the same time I do have times when I can feel something but I am never sure if I’m just making myself feel something because I want to like someone and feel the excitement of liking someone.

In the musical that my school is performing he as a lead of course has to kiss a girl on the lips IN FRONT OF ME and what I felt wasn’t really jealousy it was just uneasiness. Is that because I have feelings for him or not or something else. I DON’T KNOW! This is why I try to stay clear of liking people altogether because the notion of it makes me overthink things and go crazy but theses are the five possibilities of my feelings that I have collected.

Possibilities of my feelings:

  1. I don’t like him I just admire him as an exceptional human being. He makes me happy and makes me want to do better.
  2. I don’t like him. I just want to like him because I want something to hold onto or that I just like the feeling/excitement that goes along with liking someone.
  3. I do like him  but only as a friend and I want to become closer to him that’s it.
  4. I do like him romantically but it just feels different because he’s a different person. One that is more mature then any other guy I’ve liked.
  5. I do like him but I’m just subconsciously holding myself back because me liking someone has never worked out before.

The worse part is figuring out my feelings is only half the battle. If I do like him then what will I do? Will I tell him?  What happens if I get rejected? What happens if he likes me back? Will I start dating him? But he’s going off to college soon? Then again what if I don’t like him. Can I undo what I’ve already done…


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